An attempt at a more concise response

I'm often frustrated with the responses I see to victim blaming. I agree, of course, that it's not OK to dismiss harm done to someone by saying, "well, they shouldn't have gone there," or "they shouldn't have worn that," "they should have known better or been more careful," or "they should have respected themselves more." I agree, of course, that these statements simply divert blame and attention from the person who actually did something wrong.

There are lots of responses to this problem, how they take away responsibility from the perpetrator, how they imply it's expected for some people to not have self control or empathy, how they cause even more harm. But while all that analysis is very important, it doesn't often feel to me that it would be all that convincing to someone who really believes what they're saying. They need to be helped to see it from a different point of view, a different angle, to see just why they're focusing on the wrong thing, perhaps by relating this to other issues more broadly.

So I want to try to simplify the main point of the response to victim blaming:

When you tell a victim they should have done something differently, you suggest that the outcome was an expected consequence of something the victim did. This shifts blame off the perpetrator, and shifting blame away implies that their actions were on some level acceptable. No. It is never acceptable. No one has the right to do something to or with someone else without that person's consent. Clothing is not consent, interactions with other people or situations is not consent more broadly, location is not consent, other activities are not consent, uncertainty is not consent, personality and behavior is not consent, feelings and opinions about self and others is not consent.

I'm not just talking about sex. You can't force someone to buy something they don't want, even if they're shy and have a hard time speaking up for themselves and their wants (I've had this happen, and it's very upsetting to be steamrolled like that). It's rude to continue to ask personal questions someone doesn't want to answer. Even doctors generally can't just do something different than what you're seeing them for with out your permission, barring certain emergencies (if you've had surgery, doctors may have had you sign a form saying you agree to let them do what they need to if something unexpected comes up). It is normal and acceptable to expect other people to have self control, decency, and basic respect for personal autonomy, and hold them accountable if they don't, no matter what anyone else is or isn't doing, so focus on promoting that if you want to really change things. Focusing on changing the victim instead of the perpetrator means accepting and accommodating the bad behavior rather than fixing the real problem.