Intent does matter

In the blogs I follow, I've been seeing a lot of the statement "intent isn't magic" in response to when someone unintentionally says or does something rude, insulting or harmful. Meaning well doesn't make it hurt less, doesn't make the thing OK or unproblematic. I agree. To an extent.

If a friend says something sexist to me, for example, it's not going to hurt less just because it's a friend who genuinely likes me. In some ways, being a friend who supposedly respects me may even hurt more. I'm going to feel hurt and I'm going to get angry, I have a right to my feelings, and that doesn't change based on their intention, whether it was said or done out of naivete or ignorance, or out of a truly sexist worldview.

But their intention does matter in how I respond.

If they're a friend who claims to respect me and didn't intend to hurt me, I'm going to talk with them about what they said, why I think they were wrong, why it hurt, and because they're my friend, expect them to at least consider what I have to say. If they claim to be a feminist or ally, I'm going to talk with them about why I found what they said to be sexist. Maybe they're just not entirely informed, or maybe they have their own thoughts on why they think what they said was fine. After all, I may have simply misunderstood or they may simply have a different but potentially still valid perspective I hadn't considered. Just because I feel hurt doesn't mean they necessarily said something "wrong," but even if they did, I expect to be able to have a conversation with them, or at least be able to come to a point where we can still move towards the same broad goals, albeit in different ways. I'd like to think we don't have to be in perfect agreement, or even be completely correct or ideologically consistent to share that. We don't even have to like each other to still be allies.

If I did or said something to hurt a friend or an ally in an issue we both care about, I'd hope they would talk to me as well, instead of just get angry, refuse to be my friend any longer, or call me a "bad ally" because I didn't understand something perfectly the first time. Or even the second or third time.

However, if the person's intent was simply to belittle me, to disregard my thoughts, to hurt me; if they refuse to listen to what I have to say or consider views outside of their own; if they reject the history and research that should inform a well-thought-out opinion, even after being exposed to it; if they refuse to have a back-and forth discussion and just assert their own correctness and insist my feelings are irrelevant or illegitimate while theirs reveals the truth, never considering if they simply misunderstood, then I am going to consider them a "bad ally," ideological opposition, someone who is not a friend. Then I am going to avoid discussing it with them, avoid wasting my time and energy. Then I may even warn others about them.

If someone say they didn't mean to hurt me, they're sorry I was hurt by their words or actions, I don't consider that a "not-pology" most of the time. To me, it means they acknowledged that they have hurt me and do feel bad about that. They may just not understand why, but recognizing that they did certainly seems like a good place to start that conversation.