Friday, September 13, 2013
Sometimes I think I shouldn't be blogging
I see I've gotten a comment, and I feel sick. I'm glad it's a friend because I respect my friends' thoughts and I feel pretty comfortable that they respect mine. So it's OK if we disagree. But I already know we disagree, so what if I've unintentionally insulted them or hurt their feelings?! What if I haven't really thought through what I was trying to say and embarrassed myself? Maybe if it were a stranger commenting, it would be easier. But then they might be rude, a troll, or someone who isn't really interested in discussion, just looking to tell me I'm wrong!
I want to have discussions, but then I think I have too much anxiety to deal with potential disagreement.
So three comments have sat unread since April.
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Don't worry! I think only one of those comments I actually had a disagreement with you on.
ReplyDeleteI most definitely respect your opinions and feel I should tell you that your opinions have had a big impact on the development of my own. There have been several times where I held an opinion and for the life of me just couldn't see where the other side of the argument was coming from (even when I wanted to), where you helped me understand on a deeper level why other people would be inclined to hold those beliefs (even if it took a while for it to sink in...). So I think you have a gift for being able to see a situation in a level-headed manner while still holding strong beliefs. But maybe that sensitivity is part of why disagreement causes you a lot of anxiety.
But, bottom line is, you don't have to feel like you shouldn't respond because you're worried about insulting me. Because, like I said, it's that challenging of ideas that has helped me grow in my thinking and understanding, and is what I hope to get out of commenting in the first place.
Anyway, hopefully you do read this comment :) And I'm glad to know that the reason you didn't reply because you didn't look at them rather than because you thought my comments weren't worth responding to or, worse, were insulting to you!
Honestly, it's not even really disagreement on it's own that I'm afraid of; it's more self-centered than that - I'm afraid of making myself look bad or embarrassing myself. After all, I need to be able to trust that you or anyone else can decide for yourselves what's worth your time and energy to read and what's not. But that leads to me worrying that what I have to say is not worth it, or that I'm becoming the opinionated know-it-all that I hate. I know I can have strong opinions, and I don't really feel comfortable with that. Even just acknowledging it took a long time. I don't want to end up just telling everyone who disagrees with me that they're wrong. You may be onto something with your point about sensitivity...I worry about it, so I analyze it constantly and try to be as reasonable as I can.
DeleteSo I really do appreciate you telling me this, although even still, I can't help but feel a little guilty for...I don't know...wanting to change people's minds? Wanting to get people to understand where I'm coming from and what I think? And then maybe succeeding at it? I know the difference between this and the person who infuriated me enough to make me aware of all this is that he was someone in a position of authority, someone respected, and I didn't really have a choice but to sit and listen to his misinformation and stereotypes and belief that he was somehow imparting almighty wisdom on us (haha, maybe I should write about that at some point instead of just vaguely mention it elsewhere). But you and anyone else is free to read this or not, or leave and forget about it or think about or whatever you want because we're equals here...you don't *have* to listen to me; it's your choice, and maybe I need to get better at recognizing that.