Racist things other white people say to me

(Because, you see, being white makes you part of the secret non-PC club, whether you want to be or not)

I’m white. That means other white people feel comfortable telling me their racist thoughts, assuming same race = same opinions. Here’s the ones that stand out.

Man my parents’ age: I grew up during segregation but I had black friends then, and they would have told me if they thought segregation was a problem.

No. No they would not have. I can’t believe I even have to say this.
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Doctor, knowing I’m from NY: I went to NYC and had a great time, but the cabs scared me. Cab drivers whispering who knows what in other languages, you know? Car service is more expensive, but clearly worth it.

No. Taking cabs in NYC is normal. People have accents. Get over it. If they’re whispering, (and they’re probably not because who are they talking to while driving?) it’s just to keep their voice down so it doesn’t bother you, their customer. No one’s secretly plotting against you in other languages while taking you to your destination.

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Hair stylist: (out of nowhere) Black people’s hair is so much harder to cut, it’s just so different.

Uh, what? Why are you telling me this? You’ve clearly learned that cutting/styling my curly white-person hair is different from cutting/styling wavy hair is different from cutting/styling straight hair (something plenty of other stylists shockingly don’t seem to comprehend, so you’re already ahead), so there’s no reason learning to cut and style the rest of the range of human hair textures should be such an alien concept. I mean, you only deal with hair for a living; silly me for expecting you to know how to deal with hair!
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Kids from middle school in NC: I remember the first time I saw a black person. It happened like this…

Twice! Twice I’ve heard this story! And they were expecting me to share my own account here? What the heck NC?! Is this a common narrative?! How in the world are there kids there who never saw black people until they were old enough to remember it and have is be jarring enough to leave an impression!? Did their parents never let them watch TV? Go outside?! These were kids from towns and cities, not isolated areas! Did their parents never take them to the store? How is this possible?!

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Bonus round! Religious bigotry:

At work, woman giving us her contact information for our educational programming: My children are in American Heritage Girls. They’re like Girl Scouts, but GS has “God” as optional in the Girl Scout Promise, so it’s not welcoming to Christians.

Uuuggghhhhh.

Privilege

When someone says you have a privilege, they’re not saying everything always goes your way or your life is easy or you don’t face oppression in other ways. They’re saying if everything about your life experiences and situation was the same, but you changed one thing - if you weren’t cis-male, or you weren’t straight, or you weren’t white – your life on average would be harder than it already is.

More Steven Universe - Greg is Not Weak

Greg Universe is not weak. Greg is emotionally supportive, caring, making personal and financial sacrifices to support his son. He is poor, yet he does manage to sustain a small business. All the money he makes goes to Steven’s care, he doesn’t live with Steven even though he wants to because it’s in Steven’s best interest, he’ll drop whatever he’s doing whenever Steven needs help or advice, he is involved in Steven’s life and knows Steven’s friends and their families. These are strong, positive traits, not weaknesses.

However.

They are strong traits associated with the traditional role of “mother.” Greg fills the stereotypical role of a single mother doing her best to support her child. He is not a stereotypical father. When people object to Greg’s characterization, they are not actually objecting to a “weak male character” but to the blurring of their own gendered expectations and values. Greg is not part of some feminist plot to portray men as weak because it’s not feminism that says his traits are weak or even specifically “feminine.” It’s not feminism that says men have to be financially successful, physically strong, assertive, dominant, stoic, or stereotypically “masculine” to be strong. Feminism points out how we conceptualize and gender those ideas and values, but it didn’t create them and certainly doesn’t endorse them. If you believe in equality yet think those “feminine” traits express weakness when a man embodies them while being strengths when applied to women, consider what that says about what you (perhaps subconsciously) think of women and equality. Consider who’s really looking down on caring, nurturing, less “masculine” men if you’re seeing characters like Greg as weak.

Men aren’t weak for sharing traits with women. Supposedly “feminine” traits aren’t weak. It’s sexism that boxes people into those roles and makes that value claim. That’s the whole point his existence challenges.

Some confusion about the definition of gender

I’ve recently realized I’ve held some conflicting ideas/assumptions about gender/sex, arising from the fact that how I conceive of my own gender is different from how I conceptualize gender in (attempted) support of trans and non-binary people.

Maybe someone can help me figure out where I’m going wrong. I’m not sure if it’s a logical inconsistency or a definition problem or lack of information or something else.

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Gender is not sex; it is not about anatomical features you’re born with. Likewise, it’s not about the anatomical features a particular gender “should” have; losing part of your body doesn’t change your gender, nor does having different anatomy from what your chromosomes are typically associated with.

Gender dysphoria is feeling like you’re in the wrong body for your gender (Or is is just the anxiety and stress that can come with that feeling, but not the feeling itself?). Some compare it to your brain’s map of your body not matching how your body physically is formed. But being transgender is about more than just your brain not matching your physical features, isn't it? Being transgender (and just “gender” in general) is not just about anatomy, correct? What is that other part then? Because…

Gender is also not about personality and interests; it’s not about aligning to stereotypical gendered behaviors and preferences.

If gender, as traditionally defined, is actually a social construct that is learned and internalized through how we’re socialized, then gender is not an inherent thing on an individual level; it is a set of traits that society expects people to conform to, based on perceived anatomical differences. But this would suggest that being transgender means rejecting those categories entirely, and many (most?) transgender people are not non-binary; they still feel male or female (or should I say “man or woman”?). (This doesn’t deny the reality of gender dysphoria, but it does seem to confuse the terminology of gender dysphoria). And suggesting non-binary means entirely rejecting gender seems very incorrect too.

So, then in order to feel one gender or another, gender is not (entirely) a social construct but has inherent aspects. These “inherent aspects” may even be trends that traditional gender roles were built on and restricted people to. But what are “inherent aspects” if not parts of the brain (anatomy)/brain processes/hormones and how they inform personality/behavior/interests? Things I thought don’t define gender?

So if it’s not about anatomy and it’s not about personality and it’s not simply something society has invented and imposed, then what does it mean to be male or female? What else is there to gender if it’s not any of those things? What am I missing?

Perhaps "gender" as a concept is like "species" as a concept - no one definition fully explains it. But with species, there are no moral issues with using one definition over another if that best conveys what you're focusing on. But with gender, there are moral implications, and more than that, it seems like every definition is marginalizing or oppressive or erasing someone's identity in some way. Even rejecting the concept results in transphobia/sexism/erasure! So how do we talk about gender when every use of it, even non-use, is harmful? What am I not understanding?