"If patriarchy hurts men too, then how is patriarchy even real?"
Patriarchy doesn't mean that all men benefit while all women are marginalized; rather, it means that a society is structured to favor a stereotyped masculine ideal that is the default perspective and position, and is expected of all men, with an idealized feminine ideal expected of women, but still defined in relation to the preferred masculine concept.
In practice this means men who do not inherently conform to the masculine ideal are marginalized, although unlike women, being still men (or perceived as such) means they have the opportunity to attempt to conform or fake their conformity. Being men, particularly men who have internalized these masculine norms and do meet them at least partially, they are still favored by a society that perceives them as men (with all the social assumptions that go along with that perception), at least until their perceived masculinity is "removed" (such as having too many stereotypical "feminine" interests, including being attracted to men, failing to meet expected "masculine" standards and presentation, such as clothing and personality).
These men have two main options, attempt to conform to the ideal (or try to expand the ideal to include them), or reject the ideal. Since most people in a society have so internalized their community's norms, they never question them, and try to conform when they notice discomfort (ie: shame or embarrassment).
My Little Pony fans.
My Little Pony has always had a large fanbase of children and adults that was predominantly female; this is how it has continued to exist for 30 years. Although they were a minority, there were male fans even from the beginning. The current series, Friendship is Magic, expanded that fanbase to include more boys and young men. However, rather than integrate with the large, preexisting, majority-female fanbase, they created their own "masculine" fanbase, with a masculine name, Bro-nies, and masculine interests like drawing the characters as "sexy" or making outright porn of it, rejecting the stereotypical feminine elements of the series as less important, and even going so far as to claim the action elements are proof that the series is really for boys, for them, not for girls: that it is masculine, and that being "masculine" makes it superior to the perceived "feminine" previous generations, ignoring the similarities in fantasy and action.
These Bronies are men who, by having a "feminine" interest, fall outside of the male ideal that they have internalized. Patriarchy has hurt them. They feel the discomfort, the judgmental social expectations, the embarrassment over their interest. Many in the past chose to hide their interest from others, or even from themselves, but Bronies embrace their interest. Unfortunately, this leaves them to deal with the cognitive dissonance. They like something "feminine" but have not rejected the masculine ideal that they have internalized as part of their male identity; it's so foundational to their worldview that they may not even know they hold it. And so rather than question the validity of masculine expectations, they reinterpret their interest, reject the feminine parts, emphasize or outright create the masculine parts, push away female fans with their displays of hyper-masculinity and sexuality, all framed as perfectly normal and natural, as that default masculine ideal makes it seem, in turn reinforcing the illusion that yes, FiM must be for boys because mostly boys are here, as well as reinforcing the illusion of how to "properly" be a male fan.
This wasn't the only option though. There were male fans before. Male fans who felt the embarrassment of liking something "for girls" and dealt with harassment and disapproval from not just society, but close family and friends, who were still working out of the patriarchal mindset and judging and hurting these early male fans for it. Yet some refused to reject their interest and instead rejected the masculine ideal, or at least parts of it. This wasn't the easy option of course; there weren't enough of them to make a change in perceptions. They may have still hid their interests from most people, but they joined online fan groups with mostly female fans, and had private collections, and went to pony meets to spent time with other (mostly female) fans. And within the larger fan community, "the boys" had private, safe spaces for only them. Because patriarchy hurts men too.
Bronies had the chance to change perceptions. There were enough of them willing to come out and embrace and defend their non-traditional interests. But they chose not to question and reject the flawed foundation of their masculine identity and fear of the inferior feminine, but instead reshaped themselves and their interests to conform to those expectations and fears. In doing so, they only reinforced the patriarchal concept of maleness, masculinity, and it's superiority to the patriarchal concept female and femininity, setting up the next group of non-traditional males to struggle with the same cognitive dissonance.
I'll address female Bronies/Pegasisters and women who don't conform to patriarchal femininity, as well as the harm of conforming, in other posts.
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