I feel silly for not thinking of this sooner, but of course people have done research in identity development, particularly racial identity in the US. I even know someone who this is the subject of her research. I knew that, but I guess I forgot. I think these concepts also apply to other aspects of identity and privilege/oppression, which helps me in more than just one area.
I'm just going to put this here as reference for the kinds of things I've been reading. They're not answers to the concerns I have, but I think they're a good framework for my thinking about these issues. Maybe others who aren't familiar with this area of study will find it enlightening.
There seem to be multiple models for "stages" of development, and I'm told some are considered more useful than others, so here's some rough summaries of a few:
http://www.diversitycelebration.com/models-of-racial-identity/
http://www.pierce.ctc.edu/staff/tlink/development/theme_identity_and_cohort/race_stages.html
From the Unitarian Universalists, here's information about forming a positive, anti-racist white identity:
http://www.uua.org/documents/gardinerwilliam/whiteness/positive_white_identity.pdf
(But whatever you do, DO NOT Google simply "white identity" unless you want a bunch of white supremacist information. "White identity development" or "racial identity development" are fine though.)
And finally, what I found most interesting to read, a description of the progress of a college class on racial identity, Talking about Race, Learning about Racism: The Application of Racial Identity Development Theory in the Classroom by Beverly Daniel Tatum
http://isites.harvard.edu/fs/docs/icb.topic551851.files/TalkingAboutRace%20Tatum.pdf
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