My awakening

I grew up in a fairly diverse area in New Your City with fairly liberal parents. My family was mostly only weakly to moderately religious. I went to religious instruction classes, believed the Bible stories I knew were based on some element of truth, if enhanced to make a point. I was familiar with other mythologies and religions and had no problem thinking of them as just stories while recognizing that people did believe them to be true, either currently or in the past. I learned to value the separation of church and state, equality, and tolerance (apparently now a "bad word" among progressives, but how I learned it was basically synonymous with "acceptance" so that's how I use it here). To my parents, these values were seen as fundamentally important as Americans, probably more-so than even freedom. I'm sure there was prejudice I didn't see, and certainly some that I did, but I don't remember personally holding any racist ideas that I can look back on now and identify as such. I'm sure I had some biases at the very least - everyone does - but I'm not aware of acting on them. At least, not to the extent I'm about to get to.

When I was 12 we moved to North Carolina. Culturally, it was different, of course. I have a lot I could say about that, but I'll focus on just one part now. There were many smaller incidents and everyday occurrences that lead me to have a much more conscious awareness of racism, Christian privilege, and other prejudices, and lead me to leave religion entirely, but one in particular was probably the most influential and the most hurtful. In freshman or sophomore year of high school, we were required to take a government class, which covered the basics of how the US government works. We did learn this. But my teacher seemed to believe part of his job was ranting about the evils of abortion, making racist statements, explaining how Northerners were stupid, and otherwise imparting his oh so wise and self-righteous ideas about "good Christian" morals and values. It was like the culmination of everything I hate about the south, all wrapped up inside one disgusting excuse for a human being. I'm told one of the other government teachers was similar, though not quite as bad. At least this was before 9/11. I can't imagine how much worse he must have become after that. And yes, we did have Muslim students at the school. I hope they were alright.

Students would frequently encourage him if they didn't want to do the work for the day. He seemed perfectly happy to go along with it. And he got away with it too because who was going to speak up? Clearly, most of the other students had no problem with it. In fact, he was one of the most popular teachers in the school! I'm sure the fact that it was easy to get out of doing anything in class helped his reputation, but many students sincerely liked him. I know a few others must have been uncomfortable with it all, but they never said anything to me or to him, as far as I know. Certainly not to the principal; he may have been an even worse person. At least this teacher didn't seem to actively hate the students.

But I did speak up, once. He made a comment about New Yorkers being dumb, then told a story about a black woman from NY that he used to work with making a poor split-second decision on the job and injuring herself. Racist, sexist, and xenophobic, all at once!! I couldn't take it anymore. After class I started crying and told him how hurtful that was. He seemed genuinely shocked, although I'm not sure if that was because he didn't think what he said was hurtful or he, like so many others I met, forgot where I was from. He did like me as a student, and I definitely encountered from others the "you must be an exception to my stereotype" conclusion that I know many oppressed groups have to contend with all to often. In response, he told me that implying that New Yorkers were dumb wasn't the point of the story. Because apparently saying it and then telling an unrelated but still offensive story makes it better. Jerk.

But mostly what got to me was his obsession with "Christian values." I seriously to this day hate talking about "values" and "morals" and really wish we had other words to describe those things. Everything good to him was "Christian values," even if other people also held those values. I'd never met anyone so vocally obsessed with Christianity. And I have a crazy-religious Aunt who's constantly talking about God. Constantly. And this guy was worse. Of course, he also decided who was and wasn't "really" Christian. Catholics like my family? Nope. At least, not entirely. He never went into details about just what he thought on that front, probably for the best, but he didn't seem to indicate that he could even image that anyone in his class would be Catholic. Like his apparent forgetfulness about my state of birth, he seemed to have no idea that most Italian-Americans are Catholic, but still had an opinion on us anyway. Or maybe he forgot I was Italian too. It's like the man had no experience or even rough concept of what the rest of the world was like. Well, he probably didn't. But how does someone like that become a High School Social Studies teacher?! That's, like, the entirety of what you need to know! Oh wait. Right. He was really a coach! Way to not promote that stereotype, moron.

So, as the term went on, I continued to think. My Muslim and Hindu and Eastern Orthodox friends back in NY are not less, no matter what he says. I know them, he doesn't. He is wrong. I'm not less no matter what he says about the political and social groups I identify with. But he doesn't seem to actually think I'm "less" when it comes to actually interacting with the guy...because I'm white? Is that all this comes down to? That's about all we have in common. And because I don't talk much in class so he doesn't hear my accent much, so he forgets?

And this is a form of Christianity I hadn't encountered before. But we're both Christian, basically. I don't doubt the sincerity of his belief, or that he's accurately representing his form of Christianity. The approval he seems to get from everyone is evidence of that. What gives him the right to claim all "good" values are his version of Christian, and all "Christian values" are good? He's just asserting it. Because...he believes it's true? He feels it's true? He knows "the Truth" the way others can't? Others that he's demonstrated over and over again he knows absolutely nothing about? My friends back in NY are no different from me, no matter what he says. They feel the same kinds of things I do. They believe their own beliefs just as strongly or weakly as anyone in any other religion. I know that because they're my friends. His "Truth" is clearly all in his head. I want nothing to do with that. That's hurtful. That's insensitive. That's arrogant. You can't believe they're all equal; treat people equally like that.You have to hurt people, think of them as less, disrespect their beliefs and identities, be arrogant. I refuse to be like that. It hurts. It's cruel. I want to be understood, to be respected. I refuse not consider other people's experiences. I refuse to think I know more about them than they do. I refuse to not listen or ask. I'll take your "Christian values" and be a better "good Christian" than you ever could be. I'll show you what it really means to kind to others, to give respect, to have humility and be introspective, to value others as equals. You're not better than me because of your beliefs, they made you a horrible person, but I'll become better than you.

But...of course you have to believe your religion is true in order to, well, believe it. My friends must feel the same way. Just not preachy. Is this just what religion is? A belief that you have some grasp of reality that everyone who's different doesn't have? Clearly, he's demonstrated that it's easy to delude yourself into thinking your inner experiences are more real than anyone else's. His assertions have no basis in reality, no grounding that he could point to to show me or anyone else just why his understanding of the world, of our shared religion, was more right than mine. So how can he so arrogantly believe he knows something divinely special that everyone else doesn't? How can anyone think that? Unless it's all fake. Unless it's all in our heads. Unless there is nothing divinely special that can't be distinguished from our own imagination.

Am I an atheist?



Senior year, while helping finish a mural in the cafeteria, I painted over the praying hands of the figure in the center of the image. It was inappropriate for a public school. I didn't ask, no one stopped me, and no one questioned me afterwards. At the time, it seemed obvious to do that. I was more nervous about painting over another student's work, unfinished as it was. Looking back, I'm rather proud of that, even if the mural is gone now.