Kindness and Civility

I was never strongly religious or particularly attached to my beliefs and religion, and in fact have always been fairly liberal. However, what ultimately pushed me out of religion entirely was certain evangelicals' disrespect of my own feelings and beliefs, and their lack of awareness of or interest in and disrespect towards the strength and personal importance of the feelings, views, and beliefs of the diversity of people around them. I was apparently the "wrong" kind of Christian, but they didn’t even know that because they never asked, just assumed I was like them and demonized everything that wasn’t theirs. I left because it became apparent that the arrogant superiority inherent how these Christians interacted with the rest of the world seemed inherent in any belief that your group has unique access to "Truth," whether your "group" is defined by religion or not. I did not want to be part of that arrogance; for me personally, to believe in any religion meant taking my own feelings of my own religion's "correctness" as proof enough that it is the one true reality while disregarding others who presumably feel exactly the same way about their own perspective. What I wanted was a respectful attempt at understanding me and others, not an attempt at demonizing my views without so much as even asking me what I thought.

To me, reason and rational behavior - how people interact with each other - is what matters, NOT what beliefs or lack of beliefs guide an individual's personal development.

Therefore, if I care about ultimately developing rational behaviors and want to engage others in doing so as well, and if being insulting out of ignorance pushed me away, I CANNOT support the idea that being KNOWINGLY insulting is in any way beneficial to that goal. The strength of my feeling of “correctness” is separate from the reason anyone who disagrees should listen. These evangelicals were convinced that their strategy of belittling other views was the way to convince people that the evangelical one was correct, but it backfired. It hurt me and I wanted nothing to do with those who would hurt others.

That tactic fails no matter what side is using it, no matter who is ultimately “correct.” Average people try to avoid and think less of those who hurt them.

If I value reason and want to have a dialog with people I disagree with, I have to do that by relying on the strength of my argument, not the strength of the emotion I feel about it. Emotions ARE motivating; I want to engage others on issues I feel strongly about, and those who already feel at least somewhat positively toward me may be moved by the strength of my feelings on an issue. So there is a place for emotional appeals. But someone who disagrees or dislikes me, who sees me as hurting them, is going to be motivated by their responding negative emotions to avoid me, think less of me, and not listen what I have to say.

I cannot control what people think of me or how they feel about me. Some people will dislike me no matter what. But I can control how I present myself, and I cannot expect someone to treat me kindly if I do not treat them the same way. I know what a reasonable person (no matter if I share their beliefs or not) is likely to feel hurt or insulted by – I may even be able to figure out what a specific person would feel hurt or insulted by - and I can avoid doing those things if I want them to take me seriously. I can express my own feelings of being hurt without taking that out on others; I can inform them that I am angry without simply venting my frustration at them, just as I can also tell someone I love them without inappropriately engaging that emotion. And if I conclude that a person will never take me seriously or hear what I have to say, I will not waste my time and energy and instead stop engaging them.

It’s something that takes effort, and I know I know I still need to work at. But to me, that is what it means to respect someone on the level of basic decency: to recognize that they have feelings like I do, that we are equal on that front, and to not abuse, take advantage of, or belittle the importance of those feelings to the person experiencing them. To treat them decently, like imperfect human beings we all are, even if I don’t like them. I can’t change someone’s mind, challenge what’s important to someone, without getting them to sincerely listen to me, and I can’t do that without first showing that I respect their feelings, even if I disagree with the reason for them and ultimately will tell them so.

A bit TL;DR, but this: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/camelswithhammers/2013/02/the-camels-with-hammers-civility-pledge/ was conveniently posted while I was in the middle of writing this. I think it pretty much details what I'm aiming for.