When I write something I know some people may take offense to or disagree with, or sometimes if I have no idea how someone will react, I end up afraid to see what the responses will be and try to avoid finding out for as long as I can. I don’t like confrontations, it can take me a long time to come up with the response I want (often so long, I don’t get to bring it up again), and don’t like to tell any specific person I’m talking to I think they’re wrong. So I try to address as many possible concerns as I can think of initially, before I’m talking to a specific person. Logically, this is what you do in philosophy, but of course, that’s not going to work 100%, nor is it usually possible unless I want to write a book, and eventually I do have to talk directly to whoever I may disagree with. And I hate it. Makes me wonder why I do some of the things I do. I guess I think sometimes it will help me get over the fear.
Making this awkward, on top of everything, is that I’m writing as though I’m speaking to a group. But I only know of one person reading this. So it’s weird to write for a broader audience when I keep thinking “what will Mike think or say to this?” I don’t want to fall into worrying about or only focusing on what one person might say; I want to use this to work out my own thoughts. Which of course means I want feedback and conversation, but I can’t keep thinking “what if I offend him or what if he doesn’t like what I have to say?” I won’t get anywhere with my thoughts if I stop myself from thinking about something because I’m afraid someone won’t like what I have to say. It’s hard to do when I actually value the other person (this sentence being an example of the awkwardness coming from the audience difference). And when you apparently have a social phobia. But that’s a different story.
I know what you mean. I think I've already told you that I have the same "poster's remorse" thing going on that you have. When I'm in the heat of a discussion I'm mostly just thinking about making my point, relaying the truth as I see it, etc., but then after a while of doing something else unrelated I remember the conversation and get a pang of embarrassment. I start worrying about the other person or what they'll think of me and think to myself, "why didn't I just keep my mouth shut?" And at that point avoiding conflict seems more important to me than anything else (which it really shouldn't be), and I'll get nervous about reading replies. The funny thing is, it usually doesn't stop me from responding again! (and, yes, it's always time consuming)
ReplyDeleteI come here because I'm interested in what you think, so please don't censor yourself for my sake (although it is kind of flattering to hear you say that, haha!) The funny thing is that whenever I post a response on here I'm thinking the same kind of thing... "I hope I don't offend her... should I have said that?" The thought has even crossed my mind that maybe it would be better for me to keep quiet so that you don't end up writing things with me in mind.
I think it's certainly an admirable thing to be concerned about other people and what they think, though. That's part of who you are and why you're an approachable person to talk to (and make a good moderator). And it's probably better to be more concerned than you have to be than less so.
But it is a balance, and maybe--like you say--it's partially a phobia, which I suppose is the less appealing side of it since it can be inhibiting. I don't know. I'm not sure where that balance is either. But you're in good company.